From the dark and scary sinister recesses of my mind,
come those images, thoughts, memories, and feelings.
They sweep into my battered psyche, already much maligned.
It’s all just part of the long process of healing.
They were never there before I experienced BIND.
It’s characteristic of a highly sensitized state.
And now it’s part of my everyday grind.
These mental fireworks that lead me to ruminate.
But not today, for I see them as what they are.
A sordid attempt at delusion.
The content is irrelevant. It’s all so bizarre.
And the fear is just an illusion.
It’s all free-floating anxiety, searching for a home.
A contrivance of brain chemistry corrupted.
So, leave my house and yard. From there you’re free to roam.
This shitshow has just been interrupted!
To those thoughts and images, I say, “So what!”
It’s all perverse mental fuckery.
Well game over. Drop the rope. No ifs ands or buts.
They’ll no longer intrude on my recovery!
These chemical lies, they surface so mysteriously.
They can’t harm me as I loosen and accept them.
From today forward, I no longer take them seriously.
They’re just fumes cast off a raw nervous system.
Yes, this is one of my primary symptoms.
The main course of my benzo withdrawal.
Morphing thoughts trying to make me its victim.
Images of dread casting their pall.
No more will I engage in excessive self-reflection.
Just allow them and leave them alone.
State drives story; so, beware of misdirection.
And steer clear of the “Twilight Zone.”
I remind myself of my mental and physical fatigue.
A natural result of a constant heightened state.
I’ve endured a figurative mental blitzkrieg.
My entire being, overburdened from its weight.
Even the most innocent and benign images and memories,
become ominous, foreboding, and distorted.
I will pay them no mind as they are totally unnecessary.
Their intrusive mission is here now aborted.
I recognize what I know to be chemical dysregulation.
Brain circuitry compromised by my injury.
It manifests as high anxiety and constant agitation.
But this process is no longer a mystery.
Any minor observance slightly out of the ordinary,
will seem tragic and out of proportion.
Everyday mishaps, suddenly oh so scary.
It’s just neurochemical distortion.
I will avoid the mistake of adding second fear.
With all the “What ifs”, “Oh no’s”, and second guessing.
And I won’t be bluffed by this emotion of despair.
It’s just depletion and exhaustion that’s distressing.
The question of “Why?” has already been answered.
Nobody has control of their thoughts!
And I live with a brain that’s been severely hampered.
An amygdala that’s been twisted in knots.
So, disregard the false negatives that emanate from my mind.
In some horrific and recurring loop.
When teddy bears turn into grizzly bears, oh my!
Then I know it is time to regroup.
It just isn’t true that every memory, thought or feeling,
is important or deserving of my attention.
That it wasn’t a concern before BIND, can be quite revealing.
Just scary fireworks that merit no further mention.
Like clay pigeons at the shooting range, memories pass before me.
Recognizable yet maliciously deranged.
I won’t focus, aim, or fire, I’ll just leave those pigeons be.
And give no regard to memories rearranged.
My mind is all shook up, like a dime store snow globe.
It all began when I entered a heightened state.
Painful and scary my brain fires like a strobe.
In time, things will settle. The frenzy will abate.
None of this was my choice. It came upon me without warning.
And I know at some point I will heal.
On occasion I get glimpses, like the dawn of a new morning.
To remind me of who I am and what is real.
I know I am a good person, unspoiled and untouched.
Even as the fireworks flash and shake me with their concussion.
My core being stands firm, my spirit alive and uncrushed.
I love myself for who I am. End of story! End of discussion!